Fine?

Xanga has croaked.  I don't expect anyone to read this, mostly since pretty much no one checks this anymore, but should anyone read this and be a little concerned for my well-being, know that I'm trusting GOD because I have no idea what's going on.

So, this week has been pretty much the worst week of my life.  I don't have to go into all the details, mostly because it would wind up being at least 10 pages of what's gone wrong this week.  It seems that as you get older, "the worst week of my life" gets worse each time.  That's one thing that I hate about life... not that I hate life, because it's a gift from GOD, but it was explained to be like this once, and I think it was about something else, but this week makes it sound like it applies.  You start from a single point (birth) and life becomes a wave pattern, up and down.  Instead of the ups and downs being the same distance apart each time, the highs get higher and the lows lower.  Maybe that helps me to make sense of it.  Anyway, this is definitely the lowest low I've faced, at least in recent history.  I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me... if this week is discipline from GOD or a trial.  I tend to think it's a disciplinary thing, but I'm obviously not GOD.  If it is disciplinary, then what is HE trying to teach me?  I'm going to get a little scattered here.  Why do things keep getting worse when I think there's no way they can get worse?  Totally not kidding.  I think it's pretty fair to say that I've cried more this week than in the last 3+ years.  Maybe that's it.  As odd as it sounds, when my grandpa was getting closer to death, I realized that I hadn't cried in years, and just couldn't cry.  The emotions were there... the tear ducts were there... all the elements needed to cry were there... but I couldn't cry.  I didn't cry like I wanted to at his funeral, especially not in front of other people... people who (I thought) expected me to be strong.  That's one of the downsides to being the oldest.  You feel like you have to hold it together for the younger ones, when you don't.  Being there is enough.  The point is that I was trying so hard to be emotionally strong for my brothers and sister and my dad, plus the rest of my family, when I just needed to let loose.  Maybe I conditioned myself for that unneccessary strength... you might think it sounds good to not cry, but it's not.  I remember sitting in the bathroom in my old apartment (it was about the only place to be alone... when you live with 5 other girls!), and I just prayed that GOD would help me to cry.  I felt like it was a rite of passage to cry when someone you love dies, when it's really just a releasing thing.  So anyway, I couldn't cry; I tried to cry; I prayed to cry.  Well, in writing this, GOD has answered that prayer.  I don't think I'll ever pray to cry again. 

At the same time though, there's at least one other thing I've drawn from my awful week; the things you take pride in are the things that keep you from GOD.  I have a list of things that I was (note past tense) proud about... that's gone.  It's been a humbling week.  I can't say that I'd ever wish my week on anyone.  And here's something else: I need to be transparent.  Pretty much all the time, people who care about me ask, "How are you?"  It's nearly guaranteed that I'll say, "I'm doing fine (or well, not good [it's grammatically incorrect])."  I don't think I'll say that this week.  I dare you... ask me, "How are you?"  And you'll probably get the answer, "Crappiest week of my life.  And you?"  I care too much about that emotional strength that I pretend that I have.  I need to be transparent and let people see the real me when I'm hurting, exhausted, rejoicing, crying, happy, and so on.  Anyone who has read to this point: 1) I'm sorry you've felt like you had to read all this, 2) Don't let me get away with "Fine."

GOD,
I've failed.  I'm not who I pretend to be.  I can't be all good, all the time.  But YOU didn't fail.  I don't really know where YOU are, but I'm pretty sure it's not in the wind or the fire.  Am I too far to hear YOUR quiet, soothing voice over all the madness?  I can't fix this week.  Everything imaginable (or so it seems) has gone wrong.  Yes, it was my fault for the mess I'm in now, but I need YOUR help.  I have to trust YOU.  I'm weak.  YOU said that YOU are made strong in my weakness, and I believe that.  It's why I'm asking for YOUR help.  Not help, exactly.  I'm asking YOU to take over and take me out of the driver's seat.  I try to take that position away from YOU too often, and I definitely learned how wrong I am.  I'm sorry that I've hurt YOU in so many ways.  I don't want to do what I do, but I can't keep from sinning on my own.  I need YOU to pick me up and dust me off.  I just realized that maybe I'm too concerned about myself now.  Sure, I had a bad week, but there are people who had worse.  Please help them.  Please reveal YOURSELF to those people, and use me to do so.  I don't want to be focused on me.  I trust YOU.

Currently Listening Five Score & Seven Years Ago By Relient K Crayons Can Melt on Us for All I Care see related

A Beautiful Storm

As I vaguely recall, I dreamt about rain a few nights ago.  I have no idea what was going on or even the idea of the dream; all I remember is that the forecast predicted rain.  Each day since then, I have awoken to be disappointed at the extremely dry state of the outdoors.  Today, though, I came out of work to find that it had been raining, and I was greeted by a sweet little sprinkle.  I'm sure that if you had seen me walking out of the door of the mall, you would have wondered about the odd smile on my face. 

Well, I finally got all of my work things done and a few errands run when I returned to my apartment and ate supper while still playing with my new toy (I got a DVD recorder... good times).  By this time, the storm was peaking.  I love storms.  I wrote once before on Xanga about how I love rain because it is so cleansing.  So today, instead of just liking the sound of rain hitting the roof (which I can barely hear anyway), I took a chair outside and sat in front of my door.  I had no purpose in going out there, other than just basking in the glory of the storm.  Somehow, it seems like I communicate best with GOD in storms.  That is precisely where the conversation and wordplay begins.

I was thinking and talking with GOD, when I began thinking about storms.  I started on the physical level-- storms can be bad.  People get hurt in storms; property is damaged; things change after a storm.  Then I started relating it to human life.  Like I said, I love a good storm.  I think storms are one of the most beautiful things that one can experience on earth.  At the same time, I knew of its damaging effects.  I know plenty of people who are totally freaked out by storms.  They are prepared to bundle up in the bathtub with pillows and mattresses at the first sign of thunder.  How one relates to a storm is entirely subjective and based on how one perceives a storm.  The same storm can be both beautiful and horrific.  I compared this to life, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and any other -ally word you can think of.  We all experience storms.  It's a fact of life; stuff happens.  And yet, some people are most beautiful and display GOD's best during a storm.  Others are too frightened to move, and each minute seems like an hour in that time.  I'm sure that anyone who is reading this (echo... echo... echo...) can think of someone who was an inspiration and radiated the goodness of GOD during one such storm.  At this point, I began to wonder how I deal with the storms of life?  Am I a beautiful storm victim?  I think that I pretty much settled on the fact that I am neither beautiful nor terrified, since I mostly push the storm aside and refuse to deal with it until the only way to deal with it is to hide in a corner.

After this whole revelation, I saw a bolt of lightning.  When I say I love storms, I mean I like everything about them.  I love watching lightning strike.  And I had another revelation.  This one is going to be tougher to explain.  When lightning strikes, it illumines everything around it.  There are those like me who enjoy watching it, there are those things which are affected by it, and there is the thing that has been struck.  I was reminded of the verse in Romans 9 that talks about how GOD has chosen some people for common use and some for honorable use.  He doesn't exactly define what constitutes common or honorable, but he says that GOD is in total control and really affirms GOD's omnipotence (all-powerful).  So with this verse in mind, I went back to the the three (or 2 1/2 if you count the observers and those who are affected as more of the same) types of subjects in the lightning.  I thought about how a broken tree trunk or a grass fire attests to the existence of lightning, but both are considered disasters of a sort.  Likewise, when a person is stricken by "lightning", bad things just seem to strike all at once, and a beautiful person (like the person I semi-described above) doesn't deny what has happened, but because of the beauty of character, GOD is glorified.  The light of GOD brightens even the darkest areas, and as we all know, a bucket of black paint after even a drop of white paint is no longer totally black.  The tiniest spark has the ability to change situations.  After this, I had another self-evaluation kind of thing.  Am I willing to be hit with a lightning bolt?  Would I emit GOD's love even after going through a Job-like experience?  I obviously have no control over what happens to me, but I am responsible for my reaction to occurrences in my life. 

I think those are the main points... and all this from sitting outside for 15 or 20 minutes in a thunderstorm.

Currently Listening Nothing Left to Lose By Mat Kearney see related

You scored as Reformed Evangelical.
You are a Reformed Evangelical. You take the Bible very seriously because it is God's Word. You most likely hold to TULIP and are sceptical about the possibilities of universal atonement or resistible grace. The most important thing the Church can do is make sure people hear how they can go to heaven when they die.
var img_str1="";img_str1=""; var result_str1=""; Reformed Evangelical 75% Emergent/Postmodern 68% Fundamentalist 68% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 57% Neo orthodox 54% Classical Liberal 39% Charismatic/Pentecostal 39% Roman Catholic 36% Modern Liberal 25%

That's kind of funny to me... I'm tied when it comes to Postmodernism and Fundamentalism... who'da thunk?  Haha!  I'm not usually a big quiz person, but this is intriguing! 

So, yes, it has been a while since I have graced the weblogs of Xanga... And it may be a while again... who knows?  I'm just going to put a little mini-sermon on here... I figure it's time.  :) 

Psalm 116:7 -- "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you."
I love this verse.  I "found" it a while back when I was just really going through some rough patches, and I read that and immediately realized where I was, what I was doing, and that GOD really has been good to me.  I exist; I breathe; I have a great family; I have a job that allows me to pay the bills; I am taking classes, most of which I enjoy; I have the love of CHRIST.  I have good things in my life, none of which I deserve, and my worrying about seemingly important things (at the time, but what matters in the end?  That's not a hypothetical question, by the way.) takes away the peace that GOD gives.  That rest is soothing.  I think of the old hymn, "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms."  For those of you who don't know it, the basic idea is leaning upon the arms of JESUS and depending on HIM.  I also think of how JESUS says that GOD knows about even a sparrow falling out of the sky, and how much more HE cares about humans than the birds.  Rest once more, my soul; you have what you need in CHRIST.

Currently Listening Pytor Illych Tchaikovsky: The Nutcracker - Complete Ballet By Valery Gergiev, Kirov Orchestra and Choir, Tchaikovsky see related

Consider this a forewarning:  I don't think I have anything special to say.  Should something interesting come up, it is entirely spontaneous and unplanned. 

Well, the semester is over, and I have to say that I think this has been the most fun I've had in a semester.  That's pretty funny since I practically had a meltdown halfway through the semester.  I made a few new friends who totally turned things around for me, and I'm so grateful for them.  It makes me sad, though, that this semester is through.  Here's hoping for next semester!  :) 

Since the semester is over and I have about a month of semi-free time on my hands, I have constructed a list of things I need to do before classes start back.  Yeah, it's a pretty random list.  Here are a few things:
1.  Study enough Greek to remember it when next semester starts
2.  Read Dante
3.  Read Laura Bush's biography (I'm actually looking forward to this one)
4.  Laundry, laundry, laundry!!!
That's just a snippet.  How sad is that! 

Oh well, I'm really excited because I'm thinking that I'm going to Dallas on Thursday and Friday!  Yay!  I'm off Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, so I'm definitely taking advantage of that... especially after my long day at work today. 

Okay, I'm bored.  I'm at work, and 2 of my friends left Waco today, so I'm a little blah-ish and wanting a break from Waco...  Dallas, here I come... I hope!